Velvet Verbosity

I’m just wondering what content you’re reading that I’m not writing. I’ve thoroughly checked my blog, and I just can’t make the connection between my content and the ad you’ve most recently placed on my blog with a half-naked woman selling Skid Steer Tires?

Blink blink.

Could it be the entire category labeled “Feminism”? Because feminism and women selling tires in their underwear must be somehow related. Now I happen to know that you have some amazingly ginormous brains working for you over there at the Google complex. Perhaps you could set them on the task of creating algorithms that actually interpret my content to produce relevant ads. Maybe you know something I don’t, but I don’t think that you’re going to sell many tires to my readership. I know I mentioned Goodyear a few times, but apparently you’re only reading half the conversation.  I think you missed the part about fair pay for Lilly Ledbetter?  Maybe my brain is too small to comprehend your mysterious ways, because I was equally confused at the Muslim dating sites, the diet plans, and the mail order bride ads. Maybe that’s all you got over there? Yeah, that must be it. How else to explain the complete disconnect between my content and your thinking you’re going to sell women on my blog. I’d send you a memo, but you wouldn’t get it.

Maybe Ima fire your a** and switch to Blogher ads.

I am not even going to TALK about Josef Fritzl. Nope.

This is my brain on Yoga:

Ok, it’s hot in here, but I can take it.  I’m naturally flexible, this will be a piece of cake.  So what that that woman can fold her body in half?  So what?

10 minutes in:

Ok, yes, yes, breathe in, fingers locked, reach up, stretch from the waist, lean to the right, ow that hurts, oops…arm flat to my ears, right, ouch, no I’m not bending any further, she can’t tell, how can she tell how far I can really lean if I’m willing to feel PAIN??  Nope, I’m staying right here and I’ll just make a face like I’m pushing it.

30 minutes in:

Dammit, lock the leg, LOCK the leg.  I fecking hate yoga!  I’m just gonna walk out of here, who CARES if everyone will think I’m wimping out.  FECK them.  I  fecking hate yoga!

45 minutes in:

Ok, floor poses.  I can do this.  What?  Touch my forehead to my knees and pull my heels off the floor?  No.  I don’t think so. FECK you.

While laying on the floor in resting pose, “shananana” (or something like that):

My t-shirt is too tight.  It’s clinging to my skin.  I need to take it off.  NOW!  Oh my god, I just want to grab it in my sweaty fists and tear it right down the middle.

Wow.

What if I went stark raving mad in this over 90 degree heat?  What if that one little circuit that keeps us from going completely batty just shorts out right here, right now?  What if I didn’t just THINK that I wanted to tear my shirt off, but actually DID it because I had gone insane, and that part of the brain that keeps people from doing all the crazy sh*t they think had just sparked and fizzled for the last time?  What would people do if I just let out a primal scream and tore my clothes off and then walked around the room looking lost and vacant while mumbling incoherently about random things?

Now that would make class interesting.

One hour in:

Are we done yet?

During the crazy breathing exercise:

What?  What?  What?  Ack!

And then I fell over dead.

Na na na nanana naaaaaaa.  People, it’s Friday.  Time to smile.

I know this one has been circulating for a while, but maybe like me this will be your first time seeing it.   The apple exploding is actually quite beautiful, but the watermelon?  One hair on the side of disturbing.  Too easy to imagine that as a body.  *Shiver*

You may have noticed Velvet Verbosity has been “off air” since last Tuesday.  That makes nearly a week of dead air space.  If I were a disc jockey, I’d be out of a job.  Was I plagued with writer’s block?  No.  Carried off by my local caveman?  No.  Lost in the jungle and adopted by lions?  I wish.  Swept off my feet and taken away on vacation?  No, I’m still here in freezing New England in “the house that I hate”.

Lots of posts jangling around here in my head, so I will be back this evening to write something of substance.

See. I watch funny stuff too. Meet Flight of the Conchords and Bret’s Angry Dance. If you don’t at least smirk at some point during this video, I’ll eat my clogs.

Sitting in a cafe, pondering stuff, feeling the pulse of the place and realized it’s almost Tuesday and I haven’t written here in a few days.  There’s not much cohesive to write about but I could share a random sampling of tidbits.  Actually, there are a few posts brewing underground, but I’m not ready to write them yet.

Over the weekend, I watched Lord of the Rings on a big-screen TV at my friends house, drank toasted almonds, and generally had good times.  Since I myself don’t really watch TV, I rely on a few friends to make me watch what they find interesting.   It is at other people’s houses I’ve discovered shows like House, or Scrubs.  Just when I start to get addicted, I return home and it’s all over.  Whew.  Don’t ask me why.  I’m not adamantly anti-television or anything, it has just never struck me as something I want to spend time doing.  It’s happened more by accident that I’m without a television habit, but I must say I’m glad it’s worked out that way.

I also went to see a friend’s band, The Lowercase g’s.  I wish I had a website or a myspace profile to send you to, but alas, couldn’t find one.  They were awesome, even though it was a bit surreal to see these late 30-somethings rocking out Ludacris, and then Madonna in one set.  Don’t ask me how they do it, but they were working the magic!  Some dancing, some free food (courtesy of a friendly bartender), and lots of fun was had by all.

That does remind me though, a few weekends ago I had the pleasure of seeing the Alchemystics for the second time, and that band rocks in a way I can’t even define.   Being in the same room with their live music equals exponential amounts of good times.   If they play near you, I INSIST you go see them.  Understand?  You will not be disappointed.  They are also in competition for a record contract and need lots of support.  I think you can find info on their Myspace page.

And THAT reminds me.  What is it with grown people having the tackiest Myspace pages?  What’s worse, is that these designs often render the text on the page unreadable.  Why would you do that to your “friends”?  Really.  Why?  People, clean up your Myspace pages before I have to give you a good talking to.  None of us want that.

I don’t know about you, but this has been a long grueling week, and with not much to look forward to on Monday (in fact Monday could be a pretty bad day for the Velvet Verbosity household), I plan to squeeze as much enjoyment out of this weekend as possible.  Tonight involves a tool-belt, toasted almonds, and movie adventures.  The rest of the weekend is open, but plans are a’brewin!

The snow is melting and the mercury is rising. Go out, good folks, and enjoy yourselves. I’ll expect a report of your goings on come Monday (or whenever you fancy).

Cheers!

Too much work, fun, travel has left me wiped out and needing sleep and rejuvenation.  Thus the lack of posting.  I’ll be back soon with highlights from the trip, the past couple of days, 100 Words, and who knows what else. Stay tuned.