A couple of recent conversations got me thinking. I have a lot of male friends, and among the range of men I know they fall all across the spectrum in their ideas of women, their level of comfort with their own masculinity, and their level of what I will unabashedly label homophobia.

I’ve noticed a certain disconnect in some of their standards. Some of them feel that it is fine and natural to ogle women. Some even feel that women not only should accept it as de rigeur, but that they like to be objectified sexually. Some of these men even think that women harbor fantasies about being “seduced” or raped. This may or may not be true on an individual level, but in my experience, men’s ideas of women’s fantasies and women’s actual fantasies are very different. Very different indeed.

Nonetheless, these same men often express and experience everything from discomfort to downright anger when they feel that they are being ogled by other men. Gay men. And I started thinking…what’s the difference, really? I mean, hey, gay or not, they’re just being “guys” and “all guys look” so “what’s the big deal?”

So a man can recognize his own displeasure at being ogled and lusted after by another guy, and yet disconnect this when it comes to women. Often when a woman expresses displeasure at unwanted advances, a man will tell her she is being uptight or even label her a bitch. (Mind you, not all men advance on a woman without getting the come hither cue, and those men are not likely to label women so. They’ve already got the boundary respect issue in their pocket.)

How can these men not see the double-standard here? I can only guess at the explanations, but no matter which one I try, it still comes down to a very basic and fundamental issue. The lust, the attention, and the sense of privilege and right to lust and look, and maybe even act on it, is unwelcome.

So, guys in the audience. The next time you justify in your mind that a woman “wants it”, “expects it”, “doesn’t/shouldn’t mind it”, “deserves it” or at the very minimum that “you’re just being a guy and all guys look”, ask yourself if you would want to be subjected to it yourself. You can justify that you might want a woman to ogle you, make advances, or even seduce you by force, but if you can imagine ANY situation, even one that you view as “abnormal”, where you would feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or even angry with it, then you have to extend that right to women too. No one has the right to determine for someone else what they are comfortable with, or what they ought to be comfortable with.

Remember that, and teach it to your children.

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