“Nothing is absolute.” I woke up with this phrase repeating in my head over and over, though it took me the several slow minutes to consciousness to realize it. This phrase is hardly comforting to a person whose most fervent affliction in life is to know for sure. I want to know that my children will be OK in life. I want to be able to see the entire path of their future laid out. I want to see every fork in the road, every lake of quicksand, every pit full of vipers and scorpions, so that I can help them navigate around them before they even get there. I want to know that I will be loved unconditionally and with absolute certainty by my future partner so that I can relax and trust and be myself. I want to know that all my struggles to build a financial future will pay off. I want to know how long I will live and how I will die. I want to know when I get in my car that I will make it safely to my destination.

Embracing “nothing is absolute” is being willing to live with uncertainty. It is letting go of fear, or rather learning how to sit alongside fear and to transform it into a sense of curiosity. I know all that, and it’s all very wise, I know. Some part of my brain is obviously very wise and felt compelled to burn the message of “nothing is absolute” into my consciousness this morning.

Really, the only thing that is certain is death, only I will never know when it’s coming.

Damn it.

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