Velvet Verbosity

Sometimes other people are able to speak/write about things I think about but can never articulate as well.  Slickaphonic is one of those people, and sometimes I swear she’s got a direct line into my brain.  We sometimes joke about being long-lost twins, but no, she’s just an eloquent and well-written kindred spirit.  Her latest post, “But I Didn’t Mean To…” on forgiving “accidents” vs. “non-accidents” was an issue that was on my mind a fair amount in the not too distant past. Particularly how to communicate this.  I had failed, frustratingly so, but I changed my circumstances so it was out of my mind, but when I read her post I had a “yes, that’s how I meant to say it!” moment.

It seems that there are two types of people I meet in my life.  Those who find me easy-going and forgiving, and those who find me “difficult” and unyielding.  The latter I can count on one hand.  I’ve never been able to articulate very well to the second type just what it is about their behavior that inspires me to anger, though it’s much more frustration and disgruntlement.  The “difficult” part is because I try so hard to communicate this to them, but fail time and time again.  Perhaps if I had had Slick’s words in my arsenal, some of those conversations would have turned out better. She illustrates so well the difference between an honest mistake and a careless mistake and why the latter carries more weight and less forgiveness.

However, there are occasions wherein “I didn’t mean to” just doesn’t cut it. If you knock a glass over and break it because you didn’t see it, I won’t be angry. If you try to take the tablecloth out from under a fully set table and all of the dishes crash and break, then we’re going to have words. In neither case does the individual “mean to” break something, but in the latter, the offender knew there was some probability of breakage and proceeded anyway, hoping to land in the “happy” tail of the probability distribution–hoping to “get away with it.” In the courts, we call this negligence. If you own a pit bull and build a ten foot tall impenetrable fence and the dog escapes, you are not held liable when Fido bites someone leg off because you took reasonable actions to guard against such misfortune. However, if you are a pit bull owner and built a 3 foot tall shrub around the back yard, you are liable under the law for negligence. Further, even if you are the responsible fence-builder, the second time that dog escapes, you’re in trouble. Almost every known set of laws from Hammurabi’s Code to the Laws of the Old Testament lay out punishment for such negligent behavior.

So, in my life this translates that I am very easy-going when someone “breaks a glass” truly not meaning to, and could not have taken much precaution against the accident but is sure willing to be more careful in the future.  Mistakes will be made, verbal blunders will slip out, but when the core intent of someone is noble, those mistakes and blunders are just that.  Mistakes and blunders to be forgiven, to be laughed at, to be dissolved and blown away on spring breezes.  I have no bone to pick, no “beef” with such individuals, and often I cultivate friendships with this type because I can trust that whatever their flaws, their intent toward me and others will be thoughtful.  Everyone gets along swell.

The second type, the ones who find me difficult are the type who don’t look before they step, think before they speak, or consider before they act.  They are the table-cloth pullers.  They seek thrills and pleasure and give little thought to the consequences of their actions.  What’s worse is that they often feel self-righteous when others around them get upset.  The whole world ought to “lighten up” in their view.  I don’t get along so swell with this type.  It’s hard for me to not want to point out that their mistakes are more often attributed to carelessness rather than honest mistakes, particularly when they continue to make the same type of mistake and refuse to change their own behavior.  Or as Slickaphonic says:

There’s also the problem of cumulative emotional neglect. When you see that someone has rolled the emotional dice with your feelings and their actions, you begin to question their innocence for past transgressions you might have assumed at the time were cases of true accidents. I have the problem that until some transgression really pisses the hell out of me, I smile, rationalize their behavior for them using much better excuses than they could ever contrive, and sweep it under the rug and out of my mind. It’s like putting the raging pit bull back in the yard without telling the owner it escaped. When the dog finally takes a bite out of my hand, I’m out of grace and understanding and am ready for the pruning scissors.

So I’m learning.  Learning that I simply don’t need to point out the obvious to anyone.  To date, my talking has done little to reverse this behavior in anyone anyway.  Besides, it’s a form of arrogance on my part, that I feel I can persuade anyone to change their behavior.  In future, as soon as I get a whiff of the negligent type, I’m just going to get up and walk to the nearest exit.  No harm, no foul.